I don't really know where to start. I'm nearly sixteen and I'm anorexic with bulimic tendancies. My life is really based around two people; Ana and Mia. But then there are people aside from Ana and Mia who matter enough to mention, those three are; Aine, Panda and Pippa.
You know how there's the type of person who claims to be your 'friend' but fails to be there for you when it truly matters, that's Pippa. She's all about herself, and I love her, I do.. BUT sometimes I can't handle how selfish she is. However, I manage to look past her self obsession, deep into my heart and she is there, she will always be there. She has noticed symptoms of my ED but doesn't know the true underlying feelings that I have about it. She's one of those lucky people in the world who can eat whatever the fuck she likes and not gain a single pound of weight - oh, how I envy her of that. So she thinks the fact that I don't eat is stupid, careless etc and she says 'JUST EAT, IT'S NOT HARD.' Right, like you'd understand.
Then, I've got Panda. I recently learned a lot about her from reading her new blog, which I loved. I've never actually met her before but someday I hope to. She has been a better friend to me in the last few weeks than Pippa has been in about 5 years, so well done to that Panda. She's my Ana/Mia friend and is so helpful in motivating and supporting me through the good and the bad times. I hope our relationship lasts into the next life, our new life (if Ana obliges and takes us away from this hell hole that we are living in). I can't put it into words how much you matter to me, please never leave me.
Finally, Aine. Oh, Aine. My hockey coach and she is my second Ana. She has noticed my eating problems etc because after a training session or a match, I would throw up and then faint - she obviously noticed, it'd be hard not to! So yeah, she's my inspiration to lose weight. When I was in counselling I was told that I apparently twist Aine's words to say what I want her to say, rather than what she is in fact saying. For example, she would tell me to 'Stop running' if I had been running too much, however I would hear her say 'Keep going! Show me you can run until you drop.' Or if she were to say 'Eat something', I would hear 'You fat bitch, stop eating - look at the state of you!!' So yeah that's great, and I can't escape her (not that I'd want to) she's just a big part of my life. Hockey coach, and when hockey ends I do athletics... I wonder who coaches that, let me think - Aine. And next year, I'm doing a health and social care class, I'll give you one guess who teaches it! You got it, Aine. I crave her attention, I want her to notice me, I want her to C A R E.
So yeah, like any normal person I also have people I absolutely hate. Actually, there are too many to name and they just make my life even more of a hellish shit hole from which I am trying my very best to escape! (so far I have been quite clearly unsuccessful).
God, I'm hungry. I love the empty feeling but it won't go away unless I eat.. This will hopefully keep me busy enough to ignore it. I'm quite dizzy too actually, but I love this feeling - this one feeling that actually makes me think I was successful for the first time in my life, oh yes..
Erm a few more facts, I have 4 aunties, one of them ditched my family when my grandmother died, so very nice of her - haven't spoken to her in like a year, and to think she was my favourite auntie. I know that's horrible to say, unfair to my other aunties, but she was; thanks a lot you bitch! Her daughter/my cousin then got married, and the rest of my family weren't part of that, super super super fun. Then my mum got bowel cancer. So I had a fairly shit 2009. Maybe if I lose some weight I can be happy about one little part of my life, just maybe? If it takes me to the point of disappearing from the face of the earth, I think I'd be okay with that. So please, Ana, oblige and whisk me away to a better place.
I don't really look at myself and see someone with an ED, maybe that's because I'm fat.. Whatever. I'm gonna stop here and I'll be back later to write about something else.
